Messages
by Talisman Casedine
Summary: What better way to have a late-night chat?   *Edited for minor formatting issues 3-18-12*


Shepard was stretched out in bed, reading, when her terminal chimed. "What _now_?" she sighed before padding over to the laptop, snatching it off the desk, and flopping back onto the bed. The instant message window was blinking.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Hey, Commander.

Shepard chuckled. "I see. Finally have enough time to talk to me, after sandwiches and reports?" She clicked the window.

**CmdrBadass:** Nice screen name.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Seemed appropriate. :)

**CmdrBadass:** Finally get done with that "urgent" report?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Yep.

**CmdrBadass:** Well, that's good. Since you're not busy, want to come up?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Oh, I _want_ to, but I better not. I'm pretty bushed after that whole monastery thing.

**CmdrBadass:** I do hope your knee isn't skinned from when you tripped. ;)

**ChaoticBiotic:** Lucky for me I had armor on. And it's really your fault, anyway.

**CmdrBadass:** And how is it _my_ fault you can't walk?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Welllll …. ;)

**CmdrBadass:** I meant at the monastery, smartass.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Oh. See, I happened to glance over just when you bent over to look at something.

**CmdrBadass:** And the sheer perfection of my ass caused you to trip over a chair?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Pretty much.

**CmdrBadass:** You know, if you come up now, you could see far more than that.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Then I'd probably really hurt myself. Or explode. I better not. Maybe tomorrow?

**CmdrBadass:** Is this payback for Horizon?

**ChaoticBiotic:** I don't know what you could _possibly_ mean. Goodnight, Commander.

**[ChaoticBiotic has disconnected.]**

Shepard glared at her laptop and tossed it onto the bed.

* * *

><p>A few nights later, her laptop chimed, right as she got into bed. She slipped on a pair of cargo pants, snagged the laptop, and stretched out on the couch.<p>

**ChaoticBiotic:** Evening, Commander.

**CmdrBadass:** Are we still on this "commander" and "major" thing?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Habit. What would you like me to say?

**CmdrBadass:** How about "I'm sorry for neglecting your needs and am on my way up right now to give you much needed sexytimes"?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Can you really see me using the word "sexytimes"?

**CmdrBadass:** _That's_ what you took from that?

**ChaoticBiotic:** You want me to sound genuine, don't you?

Shepard wrote and deleted several expletive-laced, colorful replies before responding.

**CmdrBadass:** Of course.

**ChaoticBiotic:** That was quite the pause there.

**CmdrBadass:** I had to word it just so, you know.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Ahh. Say, did I ever show you the pictures from my Spectre ceremony?

**CmdrBadass:** Nope.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Check this out.

**[ChaoticBiotic has sent "Blues".]**

Shepard opened the file and whistled. "Damn."

**CmdrBadass:** So, this means you're coming up, right? :D

**ChaoticBiotic:** Oh. Well. I'd love to, but …

**CmdrBadass:** You're going to send me_ that_, and then _not_ come up?

**CmdrBadass:** And stop smirking. I know you're smirking. This isn't your style at all, Kaidan.

**ChaoticBiotic:** I thought I'd try something new.

**CmdrBadass:** And your "something new" amounts to making me lightheaded with lust?

**ChaoticBiotic:** It appears so.

**CmdrBadass:** You know repayment is coming, right?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Oh, I hope so.

**CmdrBadass:** All right; game on, Alenko. Now I'm going to go take a cold shower so I can sleep.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Good night, Shepard. Sleep well. ;)

**[ChaoticBiotic has disconnected.]**

Shepard shivered in the frigid water. "'Sleep well'," she scowled. "What a jerk."

* * *

><p>"Commander, pardon my saying so, but you look exhausted," Traynor observed as Shepard checked her messages.<p>

Shepard yawned again, the fourth time in as many minutes. "Oh, I just … didn't sleep well."

Traynor grinned. "Did you and the major finally hook up? Because he's been walking around looking _very_ happy. He was even whistling at breakfast."

Shepard narrowed her eyes. "That bastard."

"What?"

"He sent me a picture of him in blues last night, and is apparently intent on teasing me to death."

Traynor laughed. "Sounds like you need to get some revenge. We're landing at the Citadel soon; we should have a girls' afternoon out, and we'll go shopping."

"I don't know about this. I mean, if it's not armor or a uniform, I'm not … entirely stellar at picking out clothes, apparently."

Traynor nodded. "That's true, but that's why we're making a girls' afternoon. I'll round everyone up when we dock."

"I can tell when I'm beaten," Shepard sighed. "Just let me know when we get there."

* * *

><p>At Apollo's, Shepard sipped her coffee and listened to the others talk.<p>

"I really think we should go to Sweet Nothings," Liara said. "Their stock is excellent, and I could get us a discount."

"Couldn't you get us a discount anywhere? I thought you had dirt on everyone in the galaxy," Traynor laughed.

"If I told you that, I'd have to kill you, Traynor," Liara winked.

"Oh, come on now, no need to be so formal; call me Sam. Anyway, we don't want 'sweet,' we want 'I must have you _now_'. I was thinking Provocateur."

Diana nodded. "They have some really cute stuff there."

EDI looked at Shepard. "Shepard, I have a question."

"Yes, EDI?"

"Why do you need so many people to help you buy clothing?"

Shepard scowled as everyone else laughed. Liara raised her hand. "Oh, I have information on this one!" She grinned. "Commander Shepard gets slightly confused when she has to wear something that doesn't have N7 on it. We just want to make sure she doesn't end up in something goofy."

"Gosh, thanks, Liara," Shepard drawled as the others grinned. "You're a true friend."

"Here for you, Shepard."

Shepard set her mug down and stood. "Let's get this over with. Provocateur, you said?"

Fifteen minutes later found them piling into the store and crowding around a terminal.

"Oh, what about that one?" Shepard said, tapping a black and red striped nightgown.

Diana raised an eyebrow. "What iis/i it with you and those two colors? Branch out, lady!"

Shepard threw up her hands, stalked over to the dressing area, and flopped onto a chair. "Fine. You all figure it out; I'll just be over here like a patient mannequin."

"You're the best, Commander," Sam said, scrolling through screens. "Oh, what about this one?"

"And that one," Liara chimed in.

"And _definitely_ that one," Diana pointed.

EDI had been observing the proceedings, and pointed at a selection on the terminal. "I believe this one would be flattering to Shepard's shape and height."

When they finally exited the terminal, Shepard pointed at the rack. "Gee, is that all you could find? There's only forty or so things here."

Sam pointed at the dressing room. "Get started."

Shepard made a face and grabbed a random handful of things off the rack, then disappeared into the dressing room.

"Liara, you know Major Alenko better than the rest of us," Diana said. "Can you help us pick which one would be the most … effective?"

Liara looked a bit embarrassed. "I mean … I just … what can I say? He's a tech nerd. Personally, I think if Shepard just showed up in his room and locked the door, that would be just as effective."

As they all burst into laughter, Shepard came out of the dressing room in a swirl of deep purple shimmersilk. "I feel ridiculous, you guys."

Sam shook her head. "Well, you sure don't _look_ ridiculous, Commander."

"Okay, now … if I have to call you Sam, you have to call me Ryn."

"Fair enough." Sam grinned. "Anyway, as I was saying … that's an excellent choice."

"Shepard, what methodology did you use to choose?" EDI asked.

Ryn shrugged. "I just grabbed one."

Liara unsuccessfully tried to smother a laugh with a cough; Diana chuckled.

"Well, I'd say your 'methodology' worked," Sam laughed. "I think that's perfect. All in favor?"

Everyone raised their hands.

"Good. We'll get that one."

"I don't know … I still think maybe she should try on about twenty or so more, just to be sure," Liara joked.

Shepard grimaced as she finished paying. "Not funny, Liara.

As they boarded the Normandy, Shepard waggled the bag. "So how do I get him to see it?"

"I guess wearing it to dinner is out of the question?" Sam grinned.

"Yes."

"I'd say go wait in his room, personally," Diana said. "Although that could get awkward if he shows up with company."

"Unless that company is interested in a party," Sam chimed in.

Shepard laughed. "Even if his company was, _he_ wouldn't be," she said, then chuckled as Liara started coughing.

"The fact that you know this intrigues me," Sam said. "Unfortunately, I have to get back to my post."

"Hey, you guys … thanks for the help. I really appreciate it." She eyed the bag. "Now I just have to figure out when to use it."

"No problem," Diana grinned. "And you know we'll want a full report if it's successful."

* * *

><p>A day later, Shepard eyed the laptop for the seventh time. "And of course, tonight he doesn't-" She stopped when the now-familiar chime sounded.<p>

**ChaoticBiotic:** Evening, Shepard.

**CmdrBadass:** How's it going, Alenko?

**ChaoticBiotic:** You know. Same old, same old. Didn't see you much today; did you get some time off?

**CmdrBadass:** Yeah, we had a girls' day on the Citadel. It was nice to get away for a bit.

**ChaoticBiotic:** I'm sure it was. So tomorrow, we're … going to the geth dreadnought?

**CmdrBadass:** Yep. Excited?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Oh, you know me. Can't get enough of the geth.

**CmdrBadass:** See? Perk to the mission. ;)

**ChaoticBiotic:** Well, I get to spend time with you. That's always a perk.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Are you blushing yet?

**CmdrBadass:** I never blush.

**ChaoticBiotic:** But I bet you're smiling.

**CmdrBadass:** I'd be smiling more if you came up here.

**ChaoticBiotic:** I can say with total confidence that you'd be doing a lot more than smiling if I came up there.

**CmdrBadass:** Yeah, yeah. Until this mythical event actually happens, I'm just assuming you're full of it.

**[CmdrBadass has sent "Purple". ]**

**CmdrBadass:** Oh shit, that was supposed to go to Traynor. She's working on her photography and I let her use my camera. You can just delete it.

Shepard's smile got bigger as the pause got longer.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Well, it certainly won't be the war keeping me up tonight.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Do you, by chance, still have this article of clothing?

**CmdrBadass:** I really think that's something you need to find out on your own. You could start your investigation in my cabin.

**ChaoticBiotic:** It's a good thing we're not on video chat right now. I can still sound coherent in writing.

**CmdrBadass:** Oh?

**ChaoticBiotic:** It's hard to be coherent when the only sound you can make is 'hnnnng'.

**CmdrBadass:** So … will I see you in a minute?

**ChaoticBiotic:** … no. I don't want to not be alert for our mission.

**CmdrBadass:** Damn you, Kaidan.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Rest assured, your payback has worked. I don't think there's any blood left in my upper body. ;)

**CmdrBadass:** Serves you right, you know. Sleep well.

**[CmdrBadass has disconnected.]**

* * *

><p>They met in the elevator on their way to the shuttle bay.<p>

"Commander.

"Major." She grinned. "How did you sleep?"

"… you know."

"Alert for the mission?"

"I'll be fine."

She hit the emergency stop and backed him up against the wall. "Do I have to give you an order to kiss me, or are you going to do it of your own free will?"

"You and I both know that's totally unethical and not your style."

Shepard scowled and stepped back. "Why are you being so difficult?"

"Because anticipation makes the prize … sweeter." He grabbed her arm and pulled her against him. "Don't you agree?"

"To a point," she grudgingly said. "But you-"

He cut off her sentence with a kiss.

She was contemplating postponing the mission when EDI interrupted. "Shepard, your elevator has stopped. Is there a malfunction?"

Shepard stepped back and glared at the ceiling. "No, EDI. There's no malfunction. I … accidentally pressed the emergency stop." She punched the button harder than was really necessary. "See, it's all good."

"Acknowledged. Good luck on your mission."

The doors opened and Tali stepped in. "Are you two all right?" she asked.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't we be?"

Tali looked from Shepard to Kaidan and back. "Never mind," she said, amusement in her tone. "Let's go disable this signal."

* * *

><p><strong>ChaoticBiotic:<strong> Nice work today, Shepard.

**CmdrBadass:** You too, Alenko.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Think the elevator incident is funny yet?

**CmdrBadass:** No. Maybe tomorrow. Tonight I'm going to pout over being cockblocked by EDI. If she hadn't interrupted, I would have postponed the mission, at least for a couple hours.

**ChaoticBiotic:** I may have gone along with that. It's a lot harder to say no when you're right in front of me. And practically on top of me.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Not that I'm complaining about that.

**CmdrBadass:** Speaking of things being harder, I trust your armor did no lasting damage to sensitive equipment? ;)

**ChaoticBiotic:** No. It was just … very uncomfortable for awhile.

**CmdrBadass:** You know, I could have helped you with that. :D

**ChaoticBiotic:** And thinking about that really just prolonged my agony, if we're being honest.

**CmdrBadass:** Aww, poor guy. You want to come up so I can kiss your boo-boos?

**ChaoticBiotic:** I do, but I know those circles under your eyes aren't just from me, and we have a big day tomorrow. I'd rather wait and let you rest up.

**CmdrBadass:** See, when you're all concerned, I can't even get mad at you.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Good, because I've seen what you do when you get mad, and I'm not a turian – I can't take a headshot and live. Plus, I don't think Cerberus would put me back together. ;)

**CmdrBadass:** Haha, very funny.

**ChaoticBiotic:** Okay, get some sleep. Meet for breakfast in the morning?

**CmdrBadass:** Sounds good. See you tomorrow.

**ChaoticBiotic**: Oh, and by the way ...

**CmdrBadass:** Yeah?

**ChaoticBiotic:** Don't make plans tomorrow night. )

**CmdrBadass:** Aye aye, sir. :D

**ChaoticBiotic:** Love you.

**CmdrBadass:** Love you, too.


End file.
